For so many years I used things that kept me from looking at myself because I was afraid of what I was going to find; alcohol and drugs were the things I used that were the most detrimental to my health, but they were just two of many. For reason unknown to me, I created a monster in my head that I thought needed the attributes of others to complete me, and whether it was athletic ability, intelligence, or social status, as long as it was something I didn’t think I possessed, it kept from my completeness and embracing who I was. This went on for most of my life so I was always reaching and using things outside myself so I didn’t have to face this self created monster.
In 1987 with my life spiraling out of control and after numerous attempts of trying to stop using my main coping mechanisms of alcohol and drugs, I stopped just like that, I had had enough or so I thought. After eighteen years of substituting alcohol and drug with other things, I again found myself dependent on pain meds, this dependency lasted two years. When I again had had enough I stopped, this time though I understood that more was going to have to be done than just substituting dependencies. I also knew there was only one place for me to look if I wanted to be free from the bondage of self that created the monster I was afraid to face and that place was inward.
When this looking inward began, the way that I viewed life started to change; although it’s a slow process, the seed for this change to occur had been planted. Looking inward made me realize how the bondage of self was the cause as to why I needed to reach outside myself to keep away a monster that didn’t truly exist. I began to understand this monster was only a story created by some delusional fear that I had. This is what fear does, it creates all kinds of delusional lies (monsters).
The more I went inward the more these created lies exposed themselves for what they truly were (delusions). The more these lies exposed themselves, the less there was a need to reach not only for the things that were detrimental to my health, but also for the more subtle things that kept me in as much bondage as alcohol and drugs did. One’s bondage can be to anything, it has to be investigated to determine what it is.
A monster is a monster regardless if it’s a two headed fire breathing dragon or little spider, it’s the energy generated by fear that makes something into a monster. When one looks inward and the lie of fear is exposed, it’s at this point that the delusion to the bondage of self relinquishes it’s control because there’s no fear generated story. This delusional story is what makes one need to reach for something in the first place, and all for one reason and that’s so the fear created delusional monster doesn’t have to be faced.